"This is a big f***ing deal!"
— Joe Biden opening his mouth again

Joe Biden
The Guy Likes Trains
Biological Information
Name Joe Biden
Gender Male
Race Caucasian
Age 70
Political Information
Office None
Ideology Loony-toon
State National
Predecessor Dick Cheney
Successor Mike Pence
Gordon Freeman "J-O-B-S" is three letters, convenient stores all run by Indians.
Least crappy works Charging the Secret Service rent.

Joe "Amtrak" Biden was the 47th Vice President of the United States. His logic is often flawed, and he also served as the man who does Barack Obama's dirty work when the former President was too lazy or scared to deal with something himself.

He is thinking about running for President of the United States of America in 2020.[1]

Personality Edit

Although Vice President Biden isn't the brightest bulb in the shed, there is something vaguely lovable about Joe. Perhaps it is his absolute vapidness that makes him so entertaining to watch.

History Edit

Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. was born in Scranton, Pennsylvania, also known as the "Electric City". Scranton is also the home to the fictional paper company, Dunder Mifflin, the setting of the popular NBC sitcom The Office. For anyone who is familiar with the day-to-day work of Dunder Mifflin, their business failures are comparable to those of Biden's father, Joseph Biden Sr., who was such a terrible businessman that he was broke by the time his son was born. As a result, Biden spent a period of his life being raised by his grandparents. This may offer an explanation to some of his racist, old-fashioned remarks such as "You cannot go into a 7-11 or Dunkin Donuts without an Indian accent."

After living with his mother's parents, who also may have taught him to adapt a creepy obsession with trains, Biden moved with his family to Wilmington, Delaware, a place he describes as a bad area. He attended Archmere Academy in Claymore where received poor grades but was apparently a good football player. He also flaunts a particular occasion when he attended an anti-segregation sit-in as proof that he is not racist. Obviously, 1960 Delaware was flooded with segregation and Biden was both courageous and heroic to have the audacity to attend such an event. #sarcasm… Biden moved on to enroll in the University of Delaware, where is former classmates remember him being a slacker. Given his work ethic, it is hardly surprising that he finished 506th in a class of 688 students. Following a terrible record in college, he later attended Syracuse Law and failed a class after plagiarizing one third of a paper. He claims that, at the time, he "didn't know the rules" about plagiarizing. His professor bought this excuse and let him retake the course. This was most likely an enormous mistake as Biden was soon released into the world to practice law in Wilmington.

After serving on the Castle County Council for only two years, Mr. Biden felt he was qualified to run for the United States Senate, and after a massive effort from rich Democrats, Democratic Senate Committees, and liberal organizations to get this unexperienced man into national office, he pulled an upset to defeat longtime Republican favorite Senator J. Caleb Boggs. Shortly after the election, Biden suffered the terrible loss of having his wife and daughter killed in an automobile accident. His two sons were also injured, and he wanted to retire to care for them; however, heartless Senate Democrats who cared more about politics than Biden's family persuaded him to stay in office.

Senator Biden served in the Senate for 30 years, constantly pushing anti-war, pro-environment (hippie) agendas. He also sought the Democratic Presidential nomination in both 1988 and 2008. After dropping out of the 2008 race following the Iowa Caucuses, the ultimate nominee, Senator Barack Obama, chose the 30-year Washington insider as his running mate in the campaign centered on "change". Yes, it is ironic. Biden was a major burden to Obama's campaign, as he constantly made speech gaffes and factual inaccuracies. His lack of competency on the issues was revealed when Sarah Palin, the Republican Vice Presidential nominee, mopped the floor with him in their debate.

As Vice President, Biden has praised China's "one child" policy[2], forced Obama to support gay marriage[3], and blamed President Bush for tensions with Iran that escalated after the Bush administration.[4]

In the 2012 election campaign, he told lie after lie during his debate with Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan.[5] Despite this, history repeated himself and he was once again elected Vice President.

Political Positions and Stances Edit

Abortion Edit

Joe Biden's views on Abortion are the following:

  • Vice President Biden, fortunately, is not as liberal on abortion as other Democrats.
  • While he does not support federal funding or partial birth abortions, he still supports Roe v. Wade.
  • Feels that most Americans support abortion (snicker).[6]
  • He plans to attend Pope Francis I's installation celebration despite the fact that the new Pope has said anyone who advocates for abortion cannot receive communion. This should lead to an interesting confrontation.[7]

American Culture and Values Edit

Joe Biden's views on American Culture and Values are the following:

  • He was given a 16% family voting record by the Christian Coalition. This is an anti-family record.[8]

Economics Edit

Joe Biden's views on Economics are the following:

  • Believes that Obama's economic plan helps middle class, yet they recently rejected a tax cut for the middle class…
  • Giving everyone free health care, endless unemployment benefits and retirement benefits, and wasting money on failing environmental programs is more important than balancing the budget.[9]

Education Edit

Joe Biden's views on Education are the following:

  • Voted for No Child Left Behind, then attacked No Child Left Behind
  • Voted to spend almost 500 billion dollars on failing educational programs.[10]

Energy and Oil Edit

Joe Biden's views on Energy and Oil are the following:

  • Embraces an "everything on the table" approach to energy, except for the Keystone XL Pipeline, Alaska, Gulf of Mexico, and the Mid-Atlantic
  • Lied about the prices of oil barrels after Iran Resolution
  • Supports Cap-and-Spend Trade [11]

Foreign Policy Edit

  • Negotiating with terrorists is fun!
  • Lied about John McCain's meeting with Spanish officials
  • "Our country is less secure than it has been in recent history". DING DING We have a winner! Thanks, Captain Obvious…
  • Doesn't support preemption, but rather "crisis prevention", a.k.a. preemption
  • "Senator Biden is not ready to deal with Pakistan."
  • "Our biggest threat is Pakistan". Five minutes later… "Our biggest threats come from North Korea, Iran, and Russia." [12]

Global Warming and Environment Edit

Joe Biden's views on the Environment are the following:

  • Global warming is man-caused (snicker)
  • Animals are very important, but I'm going to vote no on a fish habitat.
  • Desert protection is more important than job creation.[13]

Government Roles Edit

Joe Biden's views on Government Roles are the following:

  • Judicial nominees should have been liberal activists.
  • Hurray for entitlements! [14]

Health Care Edit

Joe Biden's views on Health Care are the following:

  • Opposed McCain's plan to give families a $5,000 tax credit for Health Care.
  • Free Health Care for everyone is totally possible.
  • Forcing everyone to buy the same health care plan is A-OK and definitely not socialism.[15]

Immigration Edit

Joe Biden's views on Immigration are the following:

  • Does not understand that most illegal aliens speak Spanish
  • Give visas to illegals for only jobs that Americans "can't do".
  • Believes that Americans would do anything their boss says, no matter how degrading.
  • At least he opposes drivers licenses for illegals. We can agree there.
  • Also agrees that the Feds do an awful job at securing the border.[16]

National Security Edit

Joe Biden's views on National Security are the following:

  • Let's cut our best military jets.
  • We cannot torture terrorists (even though Obama/Biden continued to torture, and torturing led us to Bin Laden).
  • Opposed to the War in Iraq, even though he voted for it[17]

Same Sex Marriage Edit

Biden:"There should be no difference in straight marriage and gay marriage."
Moderator:"Do you support gay marriage?"
Biden:"Absolutely not. Neither Senator Obama nor I do."[18]

Second Amendment Rights Edit

Joe Biden's views on Second Amendment Rights are the following:

  • Screw the Constitution.[19]

Accomplishments Edit

  • Getting elected to the Senate with only two years experience… as a County Councilman. Now, THAT'S impressive.
  • Not crying while Palin and Ryan were kicking his butt during their debates.
  • Being the "brains" behind Obama's foreign policy.

Quotes Edit

Biden brain

"Give me a f*cking break!"

"It's a three letter word: J-O-B-S. Three letters."

"Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America. Quite frankly, it might have been a better pick than me."

"When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened'."

"You know the phrase they always use? 'Obama and Biden want to raise taxes by a trillion dollars.' Guess what? Yes we do."

See also Edit

References Edit