Pretending to be Catholic
|Office||US House Minority Leader|
|Gordon Freeman||Thinks Catholic Church has no abortion stance|
|Least crappy works||Lying about Waterboarding|
Nancy Pelosi, otherwise known as "Princess Nancy", is the Former Speaker of the US House of Representatives, most infamously known for shoving socialized Health Care down Americans' throats and defending a woman's right to slaughter her baby.
The two sides of Nancy Pelosi are creepy and icy. If she isn't giving her soft, uncomfortable laugh like a woman in an insane-assylum, then she's at least staring at you with her dead eyes of hatred that lead to the frozen pit of her soul.
Despite reasonable beliefs that she crawled out of a trench in prehistoric times, Nancy Patricia D'Alesandro Pelosi was born on March 26, 1940 in Baltimore, Maryland. Her father, Thomas D'Alesandro Jr., served as the mayor of Baltimore, a city famous for having corrupt mayors. Her brother, Thomas D'Alesandro III, also joined this long list of Baltimore "leaders", so residents of the city can partially thank Pelosi's family for their high crime rate. Because Nancy's parents viewed themselves as Catholic, they sent their daughter to a Catholic all-girls high school and to Trinity College in Washington D.C.
Being a career politician, Pelosi never experienced life in the private sector. She Graduated from Trinity College with a B.A. in political science. After moving to San Francisco, she became a Democratic National Committee (DNC) member from California. She was later elected to be the Democratic Party chair of Northern California and eventually chair of the California Democratic Party. On June 2, 1987 Pelosi was elected to the House of Representatives in a special election to replace Sala Burton, who died of cancer. Interestingly, Sala was the replacement of her husband, Philip Burton, who also died in office. Given that Pelosi's district is only 13% Republican, she has easily been elected 10 times; the amount of care she holds for her constituents is displayed by the fact that she hasn't participated in a political debate since her first election.
While in Congress, she ironically served on the "Intelligence" committee although the name is unfitting because she lacks knowledge on issues such as abortion, education, job creation, and environmental protection. She has also been caught in two major scandals, the most prominent one being her lie on Waterboarding. After denying that she was aware of the practice of Waterboarding, the CIA released a statement confirming that they had briefed her on the method of torture and assured her that it was legal. Her second scandal involves her leisurely travels on a taxpayer funded jet. In the years of 2004, 2006, and 2007, Pelosi made the one decent decision in her career: she convinced her fellow Democrats to cease attempts to impeach President George W. Bush. Luckily, the 2010 mid-term elections brought change to the House of Representatives and on January 5, 2011, Pelosi uttered the greatest five words of her career: "God Bless you, Speaker Boehner."
Currently, one of the "battles" she claims to be fighting is for equal pay for women. Ironically, she actually pays men in her office much more than their female counterparts. In fact, they are paid, on average, 26,000 dollars less.  On June 28, 2012, when the House was voting to hold Attorney General Eric Holder in contempt, Pelosi led her fellow Democrats off the floor and out of he capitol building, fleeing the scene rather than taking a stand. Instead of facing the facts, she insisted that the vote only occurred due to racism and links to other issues like Voter ID laws.
Political Positions and Stances Edit
Nancy Pelosi's views on Abortion are the following:
- Women should have the right to cancel their babies.
- Woman's choice is whether or not to kill their babies, not to have sex.
- Believes the Catholic Church has no abortion stance. (FALSE)
American Culture and Values Edit
Nancy Pelosi's views on American Culture and Values are the following:
- Americans must protect the right to live freely without violence or repression. (except the unborn, of course)
"We have an estimated 12 million illegal immigrants in our country who need our help along with millions of unemployed minorities. Stock market profits taxes could go a long ways to guarantee these people the standard of living they would like to have as "Americans." - Pelosi claiming that unemployed minorities aren't Americans.
Nancy Pelosi's views on Economics are the following:
- The rich should be punished through taxes.
- President Obama's stimulus package creates jobs.
- Raising taxes on job creators will not hurt job creation.
- Pelosi likey taxes. Taxes yummy.
"First Bush cut taxes for the rich and the economy has rebounded with new record low unemployment rates, which only means wealthy employers are getting even wealthier at the expense of the underpaid working class." - Pelosi saying that low unemployment rates are bad.
Nancy Pelosi's views on Education are the following:
- The Federal Government should oversee education.
- The Federal Department of Education, which since its establishment American's math scores have decreased, is more effective than local government.
- The No Child Left Behind Act, which has failed in improving education, is fundamentally good.
Energy and Oil Edit
Nancy Pelosi's views on Energy Independence are the following:
- The US should not acquire oil from Alaska, the Gulf of Mexico, or Mid-Atlantic region. (Paying more for gas is fun!)
- Supports the American Clean Energy and Security Act.
Foreign Policy Edit
Nancy Pelosi's views on Foreign Policy or the following:
- All wars are bad unless Obama starts them
- Only Obama can authorize military action without the consent of Congress
- Promises made to the Iraqi and Afghani people mean nothing.
Global Warming and Environment Edit
Nancy Pelosi's views on Environment are the following:
- Environmental protection is her flagship issue.
- Global warming is real. (smirk) 
Government Roles Edit
Nancy Pelosi's views on the Role of Government are the following:
- Each of the Federal Departments are necessary for growing America's economy. (double smirk)
- A larger government is beneficial.
Health Care Edit
Nancy Pelosi's views on Health Care are the following:
- Supports Obamacare
- AIDS in Africa is more important than issues in the U.S.
- The government has the right to force each American to buy a certain health care plan with no options whatsoever. (except of course, Congresspeople like me. We get to pick our Health Care)
- A panel of federal appointees can make all the health care decisions for every citizen of the United States.
Nancy Pelosi's views on Immigration are the following:
- If illegals sneak over the boarder as children, they should have the same rights as natural citizens and legal immigrants.
- Amnesty should be granted to millions of illegal immigrants.
- If an illegal immigrant manages to evade the authorities for a long enough time, they win and can stay here forever.
National Security Edit
Nancy Pelosi's views on National Security are the following:
- Illegal immigrants are not a threat to national security.
- Iran does not pose a nuclear threat to the United States
- Torture, despite leading us to Bin Laden, is not necessary to secure American's.
Same-Sex Marriage Edit
Nancy Pelosi's views on Same-Sex Marriage are the following:
- Despite what the dictionary says, marriage is not between one and one woman.
- Homosexual couples should be allowed to get "married".
- Homosexual couples should be granted adoption rights, because it isn't psychologically traumatizing to be raised by two dads at all…
- Gay marriage should be legalized in California as well as all states.
Second Amendment Rights Edit
Nancy Pelosi's views on gun rights are the following:
- The Second Amendment should be disregarded
- Heavy gun restrictions should be imposed, because people who are murderers would
- Gunmakers should be easily sued if someone misuses their gun on their own fault.
- The waiting period for guns should be as long as possible just in case that after one more day of waiting, a criminal no longer feels the need to commit crimes.
- Given an "F" rating by the NRA 
- Believes that selling guns to Mexican drug cartels is not an offense worthy of being held in contempt by Congress.
Biggest Failures Edit
- Failed in passing the DREAM ACT into law
- Getting caught lying about her knowledge of Waterboarding
- Failures in any attempts to seem human
- Lost Speakership to John Boehner in 2011
"I don’t think anybody can tell you when life begins, human life begins. As I say, the Catholic Church for centuries has been discussing this, and there are those who’ve decided…" - Pelosi claiming that the Catholic Church is undecided in abortion
"The Democrats intend to lead the most honest, most open and most ethical Congress in history." - Pelosi failing to recognize the numerous scandals committed by her fellow Democrats
"We will have Health Care reform, one way or another." - Pelosi ignoring the unpopularity of Obamacare
- Pelosi is the highest ranking woman in the U.S. government (besides her imaginary friend, Betsy)
- Pelosi often plays "Angry Birds" instead of working.