Sean: And tonight we have-

Chris: Stop talking! It's my turn to speak!

You and all your pals at FOX News are weak!

Honestly, I hear too much from you

It's not enough you're on TV, you're on the radio, too!

Wait, who are you again? Someone who claims he's fair?

Oh, that's right! I didn't recognize you, because of your hair

You're Hannity! That conservative know-it-all

Don't pull any crap with me, 'cause I'm playing Hardball!

Sean: And tonight, we'll be featuring a not-so-special guest

I didn't appreciate the way you interrupted me, you MSNBC pest

I'll blow you away, Matthews! I'll put you to bed.

I'll shock you so hard, I'll make a thrill run up your leg!

You act like Republicans want to burn down people's homes

Honestly, I don't know who's worse: you or Alan Colmes!

I'm going to assume that when you call Sarah Palin dumb, you're facitious

Because you're the one who thinks the Panama Canal is in Egypt!

Chris: Oh, give me a break! Stop with the crap!

Obama is great, heck, I forgot he was black.

I'll talk as much as I want, I won't let you get a word in edgewise.

And then, when I'm done, I'll turn it over to these guys. (Points to Al Sharpton, Ed Schultz, Rachael Maddow, and Lawrence O'Donnell)

Life's a campaign, and here's what politics has taught me:

You've gotta be as low-down, mean, and nasty as you can be

If you'd watch my show, you learn something every night

But since you don't, you don't put up much of a fight

And let me ask you something else, right here and now:

You really think Romney's gona turn the country around? How?

Sean: Well, I-

Chris: And another thing-

Sean: Hey, let me-

Chris: No, no, hold on-

Sean: Chris, I-

Chris: Just shut up and-

Sean: Enough! I'm sick of you being so biased and low!

Just sit back and shut up, Chris, 'cause I'm hosting this show!

Mitt Romney is going to turn the country around, you know why?

Because he's got a much better record than your guy

And don't bring up any crap about cutting a gay kid's hair

I mean, that versus everything else he's done?

That's more than a little unfair.

I report the things you don't, I expose Obama's radical agenda

Your whole freaking network is a bunch of Liberal propaganda!

Oh, and Chris, one more thing, just stop doing the news

Because when it comes down to the ratings, buddy, you lose.


  • Who won? Tell me in a comment and the winner will be announced in the next battle.
  • The line in which Matthews says he forgot Obama was black is a reference to when he actually said that, for those of you who don't know. (I'm not racist)
  • Winner of the previous battle: BILL O'REILLY
  • Next battle: Megyn Kelly VS. Rachael Maddow

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